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March 24th, 2008

08:45 pm - for him who will never read this
I watch the headlights flicker through the treeline
tracing the path that once lead you here

I wonder if I will ever see you again
Gone with out a trace
never a goodbye
leaving me almost wrecked

But you can't stop moving or you die

Breathe deeply

There are still nights when I wait to hear you
knocking on my window
or opening up my bedroom door
and to smell your grease stained skin
sleeping next to mine

There isn't a day when I drive by
the place we last spoke
that I don't think of you
Even when I'm trying not to, I do

And you see, I've started talking to someone new
someone, who sometimes, reminds me of you...



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March 6th, 2008

10:39 pm - cat covered bathrooms
last night,  was pretty much amazing.

we went to rednecks.. a country bar in omaha. we missed the free dance lessons, so we kinda avoided the dance floor for a while. However.. we were picked out by three guys around the pool table area very early on in the night. so, we're sitting at the table, and the wing man is sent in for a preliminary scoping out. Then later on, they all came and sat down with us. It was kind of fun.. this socializing thing. Anyways, as the night progressed and they got more intoxicated, we ended up dancing a bit. The wing man.. justin.. danced with me. liz had.. well, who didn't liz have, haha.. she was the winner for the night.  me- 1, deb-1, liz-4. I need to get me a flannel shirt, good grief.  Its hard to put into words, but last night was just a lot of fun.

I am really enjoying putting myself into possibly awkward situations and then just seeing what will happen now.  I think I'm finally starting to find me. I think I want to go back to school. I think I want to take dance lessons. I think I just want to be happy in life. .. I think I want to move out.

Tonight we just kinda hung out, liz went to bell choir and then we headed to the doughnut stop. 2 doughnuts, one with sprinkles, one chocolate covered. freaking good stuff.

Tomorrow we are going to Lincoln. Not sure what we're doing there, but who the heck cares. It'll be me and the three meade girls, and it will be good times for sure.

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March 4th, 2008

07:58 pm - cooooo-kieeees

So the zoo was pretty  much great. Rainforest, desert dome, aquarium. Holy crap, the gorilla, hated me, and like attacked the window and stuck its butt in my face. not cool, gorilla, not cool. 

we are going to dairy queen now, so I guess that is the end of this entry.

later kids!

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March 3rd, 2008

11:01 pm - I'm just sittin out here watchin airplanes, take off...
and fly away.

So, I am currently 15 hours by motor vehicle away from home. However, I flew. .. For the first time, mind you. Got a little panic-ie right before take off.. but then, meh, not so bad. Though the feeling of complete dependancy on someone else, is completely terrifying. I guess that thought carries over into the rest of my life also. I think the landing was a lot weirder than the taking off, cause all the sudden you just drop some, and your stomach does that thing like when you're little and your dad speeds up to go over a hill..

I hope i do not get sick, the very nice, although somewhat strange computer man who sat next to me from detroit to omaha kept blowing his nose and coughing. He offered me his magazines for my return flight.. i politely declined, and will definitely think twice about looking through the magazines left behind by previous passengers. I'll stick to my word search, thank you very much.

On a completely different note. I think I missed the memo. Everyone else got it, but, I ... definitely missed it, and now I do not know what I think of the memo. Part of me is okay with it,  the other is like.. not such a good idea. But, I guess we will see.. only time will tell, and all that jazz.

Liz has a pretty cool house. Her room is the old attic so it is shaped all funny, but it is super long and cool. haha, there is a shrine to jess here. Atleast someone loves me!! haha.

So my first real journey from  home was to drive to pittsburgh to see saves the day and.. liz.. and that was the first of many trips to pitt. Now that she is in omaha, maybe this is the first of many flights. I feel like this has potentially opened up many doors for me. Conquering your fears is such an amazing feeling. I don't know if this is completely gone, but let me tell you, when i got to see the top of the clouds, that was pretty freaking sweet.

Well, kids, I should probably go hang out with liz, since i am here to, ya know, hang out with her.

Tomorrow... the zoo!!!! !!
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic

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February 26th, 2008

08:08 pm - let me tell you
Life has been a flippin emotional roller coaster lately.

Jamie's wedding was beautiful. Jamie was beautiful.

I thought I would be nervous standing in front of all those people, but I wasn't at all. It was a little strange walking down the isle by myself and having like a minute of people just looking a me.. odd. It's okay, my hair looked amazing.

All of Jamie and Jeremy's friends are great too, kind of wish I would have met them a long time ago.

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February 20th, 2008

12:58 pm - i wanna be sedated...

The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for 
What are we saving for

There's a smell of stale feeling that's drinking from my skins
The drinking never stops because they drink off all our sins
We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for 
What are we waiting for 

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Something's always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for
What are we waiting for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done


So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

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February 19th, 2008

11:50 pm - finding yourself through people you care about

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? I used to think, that someday I'd relax a little, and be more like you. Then I realized, how silly that thought was, but the good news is I'm gonna keep you around. And they'll say 'All the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice.' I've seen people try to change, and I know it isn't easy, but nothin' worth the time ever is... Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change? and you give yourself away. God its so painful, something thats so close and still so far out of reach. Lots of people spend their time just floating. She couldn't help thinkin that there was a little more to life, After all it was a great big world, with lots of places to run to when we just let go. and all the wasted nights are flushed away. don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, It can't all be wedding cake, It can't all be boiled away, I always trip on my clumsy heart..But there are moments when, I know it and.... watched the red-orange glow. So I'll listen till the end even if you don't make sense now. see yourself the way that I do. I wrote a song for you. What is beautiful.

sometimes I feel as if I identify with song lyrics more than my own thoughts. they are scattered and seem to lead me in circles. I use to do this sort of thing a lot, but was told to start using my own words. What do other people know. sometimes you just have to admit, even complete strangers know you better than you know yourself.

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February 17th, 2008

01:08 am - everything im not makes me everything i am
So Jess tried the party thing tonight. Failed in so many ways.. I mean, it was alright....

It was more like the situation.

I was feeling, well.. pretty confident and pretty.. pretty, when i left the house, and after hanging out with a few girls getting ready before hand, I felt like.. idk, shit, but thats not really the right word, by the time I left to go to the party. Seriously none of you are remotely fat, and the negativity is ridiculous. You're all smaller than me, why did I have the most confidence walking in there.. though it was pretty much beaten down to mud.  You all are soo fat. You weigh less than me. You all have such guy problems. I am alone.

I just want someone to grab my hand and hold tight.

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February 11th, 2008

06:19 pm - my head is all muddled with fuddle
"sometimes the best you can do is change your plan"

Do you ever feel like every peice of information you get is always in confliction with the previous and the next?

I decided I was going to do something a few months ago. It got messed up, didn't get the chance to try. Tried to get another chance. That got messed up. Now I may have another chance sometime in the somewhat near future, and I don't know what to do. Do I take the previous almost attempts as a sign that maybe I shouldn't try again. Or is it nulified by the fact that I never really did try, I only almost tried? Oh, I don't know.

And why do I look at things that I know will upset me. Myspace and Facebook are the devil's creation, I swear. Photograhphs speak a thousand words, aye? well.. I guess that means they can hurt a thousand times worse. But the real question is, do I want to be hurt? Why else would I look. Curiosity. Obviously. And its not like I'm expecting to see things, but what right do I have to be upset by them. None. But can you help how you feel?

Ever wanted something for so long that when you may actually have a chance to go for it, you're freaked the crap out?

I feel like my life is taking two parallel paths, and I'm in the space inbetwen.

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February 10th, 2008

01:29 pm - the pink panther has the answer.....

Have you ever had something so .. unbelievable happen in your life, that maybe doesn' t  involve you directly.. but you end up being involved, because, how could you not... and you can't talk about it. For me, talking about things with people not involved, that are neutral, makes me feel better, but the only people i can talk to are the ones who know, and so the same things keep being said. It's really frustrating. The situation that seems bad, then worse, just jeeps getting worse.

It is windy as all get out out there!

I really want someone to be close with, to share everything with.

But until then, I'll just keep on going.

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